So why do I feel guilty? [View all]

I went to a shopping center today to pick up a little surprise for my stepdaughter. As I was leaving the parking lot, I saw a big, beautiful rainbow.

By the traffic lights at the exit, I noticed a woman of indeterminate age (somewhere between 40 and 60) holding a sign. I did not notice what the sign said. She looked like she has had a hard life (hence the reason I couldn't guess her age). Her teeth were gone.

I knew the only cash I had was a100 dollar bill stashed in a secret compartnent of my bag. As I pulled up to the light, there was no other traffic (unusual). Something inside me said, "Give it to her. She needs it."

So I stopped beside her and asked if she saw the rainbow? Where she asked as I grabbed my bag. I pointed and struggled to get the bill out, thinking I needed to hurry before other cars pulled up wanting out. Amazingly, none did.

I got the bill out, handed it to her with a smile and said, "It's your lucky day!" She started to thank me, then looked at the bill. The overcome shock on her face... she looked like she might faint. I just smiled, said "Have a nice day!" and drove off.

At first I had that nice glow of knowing that I'd done something nice for someone who really needed some kindness and no one knew it but me and the woman who doesn't have a clue who I am.

But then that nasty voice inside started questioning my motives. Then there was the condemnatory voice reminding me that I support my son and step son, and while I didn't need that $100 now, who knows what the future brings. And the worst accusatory voice said I did it for self aggrandisement. And that all made me feel squirmy, embarrassed, and guilty.

All I wanted to do was do something nice for someone who probably isn't often the recipiant of nice gestures.

PS: Not looking for praise or commendations. None of you know me so I could post this anonymously. I'm just trying to figure out why I'm so darned mean to myself...