Hillary
Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans. Here are some key things to know about the first Democrat to declare her candidacy:
Campaign Slogan: “I deserve this”
Campaign Strategy: Overwhelming tide of inevitability
Spouse: Former Arkansas attorney general William Jefferson Clinton
Wingspan: 7 feet, 6 inches
Ideal Running Mate: Primary opponent who knows how to gracefully step aside when the time comes
Biggest Scandals: Deaths of four Americans at Benghazi, use of private email account for government emails, choice of Nina McLemore dress at a 1998 presidential function
Grandchildren: One, but pushing Chelsea for one more before Iowa caucus
Stance On Abortion: Supports a woman’s right to choose for her husband’s mistress
Rand Paul
Political Vision: Supports bipartisanship between the Tea Party and GOP
Campaign Strategy: Hoping college-aged white males come to comprise over half of U.S. population
Platform: Heavy focus on abolishing and repealing, with lesser focus on dismantling, rescinding, and abrogating
Campaign Slogan: “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream.”
Unabridged Campaign Slogan: “Defeat the Washington machine. Unleash the American dream. Fight the Capitol Hill scheme. Scream the revolutionary’s scream. Adopt the populist mien. Join the Rand Paul team!”
Effect Of Campaign Bumper Sticker On Car’s Resale Value: -11.5%
Ted Cruz
Speaks: Spanish, English, Tongues
Campaign Slogan: “I’m Ted Cruz”
Likelihood Of Becoming President: Huckabeesque
Campaign Platform: Be a distraction for a few months
Largest Obstacles To Nomination: Scott Walker, Rand Paul, five seconds of scrutiny
http://www.theonion.com/articles/who-is-rand-paul,38391/
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