For those who came in late, a patter song is “a light and rapid melody sung by a Motormouth character”; and it often takes the form of a listicle, as you will see. The patter song flourished in Victorian England, and the masters of the form were the comic opera team of Gilbert and Sullivan

“I Am The Very Model of a Democratic Strategist”

I am the very model of a Democratic strategist,
I’ve data stored in Nation Builder, rolodex, and bundler lists,
I know “joke line” is a joke, and I quote the tropes rhetorical,
From Florida to Ohio, with scandals extramarital;
I’m very well acquainted, too, with how a front-runner is crowned,
I understand the district, both the safe ones and the battleground,
About the demographic shifts I’m teeming with a lot o’ news…
(Hmm, “lot o’ news”, “lot o’ news”…. Aha, I have it!)
With many cheerful facts about the shiny hair of Edward Cruz!

<Chorus repeats>

I’m very good at narrative and counterfactual history,
I know the talking points for when I’ve snatched defeat from victory;
So if you want a partisan, sock puppet, or apologist
I am the very model of a Democratic strategist!


* * *

In fact, when I know what is meant by “DLC” and “Hillary”,
When I can flip at once between my principles and shillery,
When summ’ring at Oak Bluffs or Nobel’s dinner I meet Barry at,
And when I know precisely what is meant by “commentariat”,
When I can plant my own internal polls with Nate at 5-3-8,
When I’m so slipp’ry my own Mom says “Heavy on the 30-weight”, –
In short, when I can bill my hours for more than you would ever dream…
(Mmm… “Ever dream,” “ever dream”…. I have it!)
You’ll beg me to devise my very own incentive scheme!

<Chorus repeats>

For my knowledge of the ground game, like the cell phone and the cash machine,
Goes back no earlier than the Iowa campaign of Howard Dean;
But if you want a partisan, sock puppet, or apologist
I am the very model of a Democratic strategist!

<reader added verse>

while I can’t tell a food stamp from a packing slip from Amazon
and drink with finance lobbyists for tabs you’d feed your family on
Since I have manicured an art of stern phlegmatic sympathy
while I convey an air of deeply felt and pained faux empathy
while I can rebut point by point attacks upon our donor’s games
and drone polemically on while dropping Founding Fathers names
And when my interlocutors get stiffed by the commercial break
I look into the camera with a smile I’ve practiced hard to fake
If you haven’t puked your guts out at what passes for democracy
You’ll say a better strategist was never seen on a TV!