Writing

I hope my commentary can be of some value. My background is in education; I hold a BA in History and an Masters of Education.

I'm sure you're more interested in the critical comments I have to make, so I will dispense with the complimentary ones (although I promise they do exist).

The essay doesn't flow very well, particularly at first. It feels broken and fragmented and is hindered most especially by the large quantities of additional information added to clarify points. Comma's are not your friend in this essay. Think about your audience and include the content that is pertinent to their educational level. Add clarification when needed, but don't do it as often within the statements themselves. Try not to wall off as much clarification within the sentence with commas. I would advise that you make your points and add clarification as needed afterward as separate thoughts. Try to vary sentence structure. This is less of an issue after the first few paragraphs.

Personally I see the first two or three paragraphs as your weakest in terms of flow, structure, and readability. These first lines need to draw in your reader, and I think they're more likely to confuse them currently.

Additionally, sometimes plain language is the most effective tool to use. It seems at points that you try to make the language more difficult than it has to be... case and point:


"Of all people subjected to Taliban rule, none fared worse than women."

Sometimes simplicity is your best bet.

Perhaps... "No group subjected to Taliban rule fared worse than women."

The definitive tone of the latter sentence not only flows more naturally, but the reader will draw from it greater meaning in fewer words. This is always a good thing.

Overall, I would review the flow of the first two or so paragraphs. Then work on weeding out needlessly complex sentences and clauses.