The DU Lounge

"I remember a Xmas day twenty-five years ago with Mother, Harpo, Gummo, and myself. We were playing Passaic, New Jersey ... and we were living at a boarding house. ... The rates were a little higher than we usually paid. But it was Xmas week, we had been working pretty steady, so what the hell. Our first meal, breakfast, was served around 11 A.M. and it wasn't bad. We inquired about Xmas dinner. ... Mrs. Abernathy had two dining rooms. One was for the townspeople and the other was for the actors.

"All through the matinee we thought of nothing but the turkey, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie that awaited at Mrs. Abernathy's. At five o'clock we were up and down the halls in eager anticipation of that pungent Xmas dinner. At 5:10 we were all at the table ... . At 5:30 at big dish arrived and on it was a huge baked mackerel and a dish of cranberry sauce. At first we suspected Mrs. Abernathy of having turned comic for the moment and that pretty soon this offensive dish would be removed. But there sat the mackerel and there sat us and for five minutes neither the fish nor the actors moved. And then with a bitterness too deep for violence we realized that the turkey was for the regular boarders.

"The local theatergoers must have been slightly bewildered that Xmas night to see and hear five acts give a complete performance about mackerel. After the show we returned to the boardinghouse and sneaked into the kitchen, broke into the icebox, and found the carcass of a cold turkey and cranberry sauce. So there we sat, five vaudeville acts grouped on the floor of a cold dark kitchen, ravenously eating a belated Xmas dinner."