I'm writing to apologize for being an enabler [View all]

I grew up with every form of abuse under the sun, and late last night, it dawned on me that all the time I've shared stories about Rory, I've written as an abuse victim would.
I've been justifying, explain away, and of course hiding the big secret that he is severely neglected and that neglect constitutes abuse.
In an honest confession, I've felt the very same fears that I felt as a child, my PTSD is being triggered multiple times a day with realizations and new discoveries.
I filed a report with Adult Protection in MN yesterday and did so with his daughter and granddaughter. It in no way assuages my guilt and shame for keeping that secret and ultimately protecting the status quo that allows this neglect to continue unabated.
Please, please please please protect those that need it most, no matter the personal cost, as my 59 years of no therapy will attest, doing nothing doesn't just not help, but it makes things worse.
I desperately need therapy, I have so many things bubbling to the surface that I haven't faced and yet have controlled my emotions for decades.
In my fearful state, I even asked the investigators not to start til Monday so it doesn't jeopardize my weekend with Rory that starts tomorrow. I am such a coward, so lost in what's normal and so afraid of being alone.
It's really dawned on me how much of my emotional strengths and weaknesses are that of a ten year old, the instant paralysis under certain stressors, the idyllic good morning messages, (which I will never lose I hope).
To be clear, our first weekend was every bit as magical as I described and more, but the underlying situation was always present.
I'm afraid of his wife taking Rory away from me the same way I was afraid of a beating from my parents if I talked back or didn't just ask how high when told to jump.
I'm waiting to hear from the worker assigned to Rory's case and will honestly, fairly and tearfully describe what I see and know.
Please forgive me for enabling his neglect from afar and from near.
I love my friend more than you will ever know, and I just pray that he's able to get the palliative care he needs out of her hands soon.
Thank you for listening and if this is inappropriate, please let me know and I'll delete.
Love, John