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WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- This station has just received a communique from a group calling itself the United Gangs of DC. It is published here in its entirety.

"The United Gangs of DC is a group that speaks for every social clique in our nation's capital. Whether you are a club for whites, blacks, Latins, Asians, motorcyclists or anything else, you have a home in the United Gangs of DC.

"It has recently come to our attention that Donald Trump plans to go out on patrol with the National Guard units illegally occupying our fine city. You can expect him and his thugs to bust heads, destroy homeless people's possessions, and do many other things no social clique would ever get away with.

"The United Gangs of DC requests that all members of social cliques and anyone not affiliated with a clique who may be in our nation's capital to STAY THE FUCK OFF THE STREETS DURING THIS PATROL. If you're housed, stay the fuck home. If you're homeless, find somewhere off the streets to be while Trump's out there. If you're visiting our city, stay in your hotel. You remember that movie The Purge where everyone who didn't wanna get whacked barred themselves up in their houses until the fuckin' Purge was over? Do that.

"Not seeing any heads he can bust to prove what a fuckin' hero he is will ruin his life more than anything else we can do to him. So do that. Stay off the streets and don't give him any satisfaction."