Spurious News: Trump finally gets his wish to be on Mount Rushmore! [View all]

KEYSTONE, SD (Spurious News Network) -- Ever since King Donald Trump started running for president in 2015, it's been a sacred goal of his to be added to South Dakota's Mount Rushmore National Memorial. Today, the National Park Service revealed that it is finally ready to grant him his wish.

Just...not in the way he thinks it's going to go.

"President Trump wants to have his face carved into the rock of Mount Rushmore," said Superintendent Jennifer Carpenter, Park Manager of Mount Rushmore National Memorial. "That can't happen. The Memorial was carved with dynamite, which made the mountain seismically unstable. If we go up there and start blasting out another face, the entire Memorial will collapse. If we were able to add another face it would destroy the Memorial's symmetry. And really, why would we add President Trump to it? Gutzon Borglum chose those four presidents for a good reason. George Washington represents the birth of the nation. Thomas Jefferson represents the growth of the nation. Theodore Roosevelt represents the development of the nation, and Abraham Lincoln represents the preservation of the nation. Trump represents the destruction of the nation, which isn't worthy of being added to Mount Rushmore."

So...if they're not going to carve his face into the mountain, how will he be on Mount Rushmore?

"We built a pillory," said Superintendent Carpenter. "Next time he comes up here to do whatever the hell he does when he's here, we're going to grab him, put him in it and weld it shut...then we're going to put a farmstand selling rocks, raw eggs and rotten tomatoes to visitors. All profits will go to paying off the bills he's run up so far."