This was posted by a friend of a friend of mine on Facebook. Stand strong Portland! [View all]

Last edited Sat Sep 27, 2025, 08:13 PM - Edit history (2)

- UPDATED TO INCLUDE PART OF THE ORIGINAL LETTER THAT WAS SOMEHOW MISSING IN THE ORIGINAL FACEBOOK POST -

"My dearest wife,
It is week two of the Siege of Portland, and still these barbarians will not yield to our troops. We have severed the cords of their latte machines but they are making cowboy coffee in their camps, where loud ukulele songs of resistance even now drift in on the breeze. Our platoon has foraged for bush food, and is now forced to live on cacao nibs and gluten-free bagels, though Lieutenant Knickerbocker believes he knows where he can raid some salmon jerky. Not an Arby's is in sight, and the grumbling of my stomach is part of this ordeal. A mere child has from afar ruined our stew with her banana-slug catapult.
This is not the enemy our fearless leaders advised us to expect, in that they are all pale, even pasty, but defiant or rather not defiant but interested in longwinded discussion of the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, which our officers will not engage in as long as the enemy wears t-shirts blaspheming against our Lord and our leader. Nevertheless three of our men have defected, one lured by a tarot reading and a promise of dry socks, two went off to shut down a drag show and never returned. My own faith has been shaken by the discovery that Antifa merely means anti-fascist, and is not an organized terrorist group, but my commanding officer will not address what it means to be anti-anti-fascist.
A Golden Retriever has stolen my ammo belt, undoubtedly trained to do so by these infidels.. Will it never stop raining?"
I remain,
your devoted husband,
Ezekiel
p.s. Mother says I should retain a lawyer lest I be given unlawful orders, which Private Johnson (the one who defected to the Mossy Maidens Ultimate Frisbee team earlier) says we were following all along. Can you compose a missive to Cousin Isaiah to ask whether he would oblige?