According to a whole lot of people on the internet, and the prophetic dream of one South African pastor (and subsequently many others), either Tuesday or Wednesday of this week could be the day when all of the most faithful Christians in the world get vacuumed up into heaven and leave the rest of us down here to do God knows what. It will coincide with Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year — which, I have to say, seems a little rude.

Three months ago, in a YouTube video that has now been viewed over 550,000 times, Pastor Joshua Mhlakela explained that “The rapture is upon us, whether you are ready or not. I saw Jesus sitting on his throne, and I could hear him very loud and clear saying, I am coming soon,” adding that “He said to me on the 23rd and 24th of September 2025, I will come back to the Earth.”

I like that it’s going to be a two-day affair. After all, you wouldn’t want a rush job on the apocalypse.

Since then, many other prophets on YouTube and TikTok have said that they, too, have seen signs and had visions that confirmed to them that this is happening. Like this lady Briana, who is now my everything, whose daughter’s request for Alexa to play songs from iCarly resulted in her hearing this cover the cast did of Diddy and Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home,” which I guess reminded her of how much Jesus loves human trafficking?

Still, now that I think about it, this really could not have come at a more opportune time. I mean, just think of how nice and relatively peaceful it will be without anyone trying to force a theocracy on us or force us to have babies against our will. Plus, we’ll pretty vastly outnumber all of the secular misogynist anti-LGBTQ+ folks out there — though maybe not in the UK, where there do seem to be a weird number of transphobic atheists — so that will be nice and peaceful.

Let’s just hope that all of these folks remember to register their pets at AfterTheRapturePetCare.com, so that we can take care of all of their pets. And also to give us all of their money, handbags, shoes and dresses ahead of time — you know, just to avoid creating chaos.