Trump falls on his face with embarrassing misstep - Another Day - Brian Tyler Cohen

Transcript:

trump thinks it's about time the US
started taking credit for our
achievements Uh quick question Donald
Have you met us This is just another
day Today in the Oval Office Donald
Trump was all set to swear in America's
new ambassador to China David Purdue
Because when you're surrounding yourself
with the best people why not tap the guy
who lost every election he ran in this
decade But as we all know if there are
cameras present Trump is going to Trump
Before we begin I'm pleased to
announce that I've just signed a
proclamation officially designating
tomorrow May 8th as a victory day for
World War II All over the globe our
World War II allies are celebrating this
week But the United States has never
joined in with the proper
celebration of our own And the victory
was mostly accomplished because of us
whether you like it or not Uh correct me
if I'm wrong I think they like it But
the gloating didn't stop there And I
think it's time that the United States
start taking credit for their
achievements Uh again have you met us
America has never lacked the ability to
fate ourselves over our own supremacy
We've got more patriotism at our used
car lots than other countries have
inside their actual seats of government
There ain't a single product in this
country that does not look like the
Fourth of July vomited red white and
blue all over it Our toothpaste our
grills our jean jackets every single
thing that we have We have such a
masturbatory display of patriotism
Budweiser has bottles that combine into
an image of the Statue of Liberty We may
want our blood alcohol level at a 0.1
but our love of country turned up to an
11 Time to start celebrating our
achievements I mean come on man America
is one of the largest emitters of fossil
fuels in the world But has that ever
stopped our car companies from hosting a
great American sales day event We love
our country so much Every year we have
the balls to combine patriotism with a
good night's sleep Boasting about
America is what our country puts under
the skill section of our resume We
celebrate our achievements so much we
force kids who don't even know how to
write their own names yet to take part
in a completely anacronistic display of
public loyalty to the flag Let's not
pretend that making seven-year-olds
swear feelalty to our flag is not kind
of weird America's ego is so massive we
couldn't handle a knees worth of
criticism One athlete thought that our
country could be marginally better or to
use a certain first lady's words be best
and his entire league colluded against
him to torpedo his career for kneeling
So my dude how out of touch are you The
only thing more American than baseball
and apple pie is our nation's incessant
need to spike the football We are second
to none
prosperous
great and mighty America is a great
nation The United States today remains
the most successful realization of
humanity's universal hope Our democratic
system is worthy of emulation Yep And
that was the end of shining city upon a
hill America today is a proud free
nation America has always sought and
always risen to every challenge Yep And
that was all Deep in the American
character there is honor and it is
stronger than cynicism
Tonight we gather to affirm the
greatness of our nation We're the only
nation on earth that has always turned
every crisis we faced into an
opportunity Decade after decade
presidents have rightfully praised our
country not just for what we
accomplished but our ability to
accomplish more Yet Trump's entire
movement is rooted in this pathetic idea
that greatness is little more than
driving boats that double as Trump
shrines through random lakes The reality
is that this is a great nation worthy of
praise and pride But Trump's plan to
create new holidays and parade tanks and
missiles down Pennsylvania Avenue will
do nothing to undo the damage he
inflicting on our country damage that
actually makes it less great Want to
know what actually makes America great
One of the hallmarks of our democracy is
faith in the electoral process And yet
no one has done more to undermine that
than Donald Trump Our founding father
set up a system of checks and balances
so one branch of government wouldn't be
more powerful than another Yet this
president's non-stop defiance of our
court system flies in the face of that
patriotism that he purports to adore
Want to know what actually makes America
great that were part of NATO the global
alliance responsible for the longest
period of peace and prosperity in the
history of the world But for Trump peace
and prosperity clock in way behind cash
One of the presidents of a big country
stood up said "Well sir uh if we don't
pay and we're attacked by Russia will
you protect us?" I said "You didn't pay
you're delinquent." He said "Yes let's
say that happened No I would not protect
you In fact I would encourage them to do
whatever the hell they want You got to
pay With Trump at the helm we've gone
from home of the brave to home of the
slum lord Want to know what actually
makes America great That we can work
handin glove with our allies And yet in
just over a 100 days Donald Trump has
burned one of our closest relationships
to the ground Our old relationship with
the United States a relationship based
on steadily increasing integration is
over Do you know how much of a dick you
have to be to piss off Canada Want to
know what actually makes America great
that we take care of our country's
poorest and oldest when they can't take
care of themselves But in Trump and
Republicans new budget proposal Medicaid
and Social Security are now on the
chopping block Want to know what
actually makes America great The
strength of our economy And yet Trump's
flaccid attempt at dick swinging has
landed our country halfway to a
recession He keeps claiming that China
is so crazy in love with us they're
going to be crawling back begging for
forgiveness But they're already moving
on China Japan and South Korea held the
first trade talks in 5 years on Sunday
admit concerns over US President Donald
Trump's import tariffs The three Asian
manufacturing giants agreed to quote
closely cooperate for a comprehensive
and highlevel talks to improve free
trade in the region I'd say we should
buy China an apology gift but chances
are it was produced over there and
thanks to Trump's tariffs we can't
afford it anymore And by the way Trump
thinks that Americans can outlast China
China's been around for 5,000 years and
I believe she is allowed to be president
for the next 5,000 Pretty sure they're
not sweating the standoff And look I'm
as rah USA as the next guy but if you
think that Americans bleed red white and
blue more than they care about being
able to buy cheap on Amazon it
might be time to touch grass The sad
reality is that Donald Trump is
undermining everything that does make
America great while beating his chest
about stuff that doesn't Greatness does
not come from demanding that everybody
call the Gulf of Mexico the Gulf of
America Greatness doesn't come from
stealing the territory of our own allies
Greatness doesn't come from renaming
federal holidays victory in World War I
Greatness doesn't come from resurrecting
now defunct prisons Greatness doesn't
come from demanding our allies submit to
us in a misguided trade war We are
watching a weak man desperate to appear
strong as he flails in the wind
promoting what he thinks constitutes
American greatness He doesn't belong in
the White House He belongs at our second
greatest American institution a used car
dealership.