Johnson mostly hides out in his out-of-town mansion, gives embarrassing performances when he does show his face, and presents as the least serious, most indulged gilded playboy. We’re basically being governed by Batman’s cover story. But in a horrifying twist, the cover story isn’t covering anything. Instead of Boris Wayne having a double life as an extremely skilled and effective force for good … that’s all there is. What you see is what you get. There is no batcave. There is no state-of-the-art equipment, no matchless martial arts skill, no scientific arsenal. Sorry, guys. I’m trying to locate Boris Johnson’s character attributes, and there’s nothing here. Actually, hang on – he can make you pregnant. Is that what you’re after?