:

Stop considering them as family. Tell them to apply for their benefits and take care of themselves because as far as you are concerned you are done.

Pull away. Take care of yourself.

called to see if he got his card. Rich wasn't home. It had been a year since we had talked. I shouldn't have answered.Thank you very much Figarosmom.

Some people do not deserve our kindness.

Treat yourself to a treat and shake it off.

Or, if one of them calls again, tell them you refuse to have anything to do with them & hang up.

I'm not sure if it helps, but I'm sitting here reading about your situation and I can't help but think you are a very kind person, and they are so so lucky for the help you give. I had to tell you that.

I help with my family, and I can't imagine managing so much. With your uplifting posts and fun topics, I would have never known how hard things were for you.
I hope, though you're feeling down, you can feel some pride about everything you have done. And cut yourself some slack for what you can't do, or do not want to do. You're a saint.

Have you been to counselling to help you deal with that heavy load?

Take care!

You are right in the middle of your virtual family here.

You have shown incredible strength through these challenges and ordeals;

The Bible speaks of caring for others, but nowhere does it require you to tolerate abuse. Those who are not caring for you are hypocrites.

just because you share some DNA. Cut them completely loose from your life; you don't need or deserve that abuse.

That could be a good course of action. With absolutely no guilt.

You are allowed to leave your abuser(s) behind, no matter WHO they are.

And don't give them one dime!

which is why I went low contact. There was substance abuse, so I called before 11 AM, when the person would be this side of reason. I sent cards. I didn't go near them on holidays. Just not doing that and they couldn't make me.

Of course, I'd taken the geographical cure already, choosing a part of the country they wanted to avoid.

I've come to a few conclusions over the years. First, I think justice is as uncommon as common sense, you can go through an entire lifetime without experiencing either. If we live through hell, life is what we get. Asking for justice is asking too much. Yes, that's a deeply cynical viewpoint, but it has helped me survive. Second, I've been plagued by the constant demons of shame and guilt. Shame makes me ask what was/is just so awful about me that people treated me that way. Guilt says that since I'm still not perfect, someone needs to punish me some more. Neither is healthy. Both are so stubbornly adhesive I doubt I'll ever manage to rationalize them and I'll certainly never be rid of them.

I chose low contact but I know too many people for whom that would have been dangerous. Whether or not you've been through this, you're not qualified to tell another survivor what to do. I've just posted a couple of easy strategies about what might or might not be particularly possible.

I will say, though that the holidays really suck for most of us, all the enforced cheeriness and images of happy, peppy families. It makes coping harder. If you meet a Grinch, try not to judge too harshly. Just pass the chocolate--boxed or hot--and let us be.

Walk out the door and close it tightly then run as fast as you can no looking back. You have a husband and child that love you. They are your family.

Sending gentle hugs your way, debm.

Do not let these toxic people harm you any more. Cut them off. Please. Reach out to friends, therapists, clergy, whoever you trust. You are a wonderful person! Your posts here are always filled with light and joy. Do not let these people harm your light. Send me a private message if you want to chat. You are a wonderful lady and I am here for you, friend.

I hope you feel the love and positive thoughts coming your way from all of us. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me or any of us on DU. You are not alone.

I am so sad that this has happened to you. Please consider disengaging from your abusers. You need relief from your circumstances, and I believe disengaging could provide some immediate relief. Maybe even moving. Easy for me to say, but I think you have the power to do it. You are beloved here at DU. Your posts are much appreciated and so many people respond to them. You are thoughtful, creative, kind and so much more. No doubt you would be a great friend with your wit and ability to reach out and touch people. Let me offer myself as a friend to you. A life with much less pain is possible. Even a life where you may feel some or even much happiness is possible.

just to cut contact with your abusers. These three family members are extremely toxic and you can't "fix" them.

Don't contact them. Stop picking up the phone when they call you. Block phone numbers if you have to.

You're damn lucky that you didn't die as a child while all this abuse was happening to you.

Please don't help them. Please stay away from them. You owe these people absolutely nothing.

And I want her to tell me she loves me and that they are sorry. I was at the point I have had no contact for over a year. Rich needs me. And I still can't figure out what I did wrong. So I am back to square one.

But you need to understand that it isn't going to happen. You didn't do anything wrong. All the wrong was done to you and they aren't going to apologize for it ever.

Cut them off. Let them feast off each other. They are not deserving of you or your interest.

You did nothing wrong. Your family are toxic people and they aren't going to change, which isn't your fault, and you will remain miserable as long as you keep hoping that they will. Counseling might help you accept the situation, but the only way you're ever going to escape the misery they've inflicted on you is by realizing that they will never change and shutting them out of your life. Your husband is your family, not these other terrible people.

You didn't do anything wrong, these people are fucked up. Seriously.


These people could have killed you. If this would have happened to you today, you would have been taken out of the home and placed in foster care. If there was any justice, your parents would have been thrown in jail or prison.


I love you. There are other people here on DU that love you.


We're not blood related but we're still family here.

These good people at DU who know you are the people you should believe. You were abused by people who are evil. The evil ones will not apologize, they will not say they love you. You did nothing wrong. You are good. It's very hard to recover from abuse this extreme.. I would say try not to give these evil people the power to define you. Define yourself. You are good. I would recommend you have as little as possible to do with these abusers. You owe them nothing.

Do NOT give them one more minute of your time, energy, or love, and stop abusing yourself over them.

I am deeply sorry that your mother and others in your family are incapable of being normal, loving human beings. It is tragic. I think it is a miracle though that you are so full of love after all their abuse. But thank God you are, and their toxicity did not turn you into a toxic person.

I suspect that your deep empathy was a result of all you endured and that you have transformed much of that pain into something remarkably beautiful.

Now all that beautiful empathy, kindness, and understanding needs to surround that little girl you were and the person you are now so that you love and protect her from further harm. It may sound odd but I see you telling that little girl exactly what your mother was incapable of doing. And loving her enough to protect her from further harm from these people who are only motivated by hatred. That will mean not allowing them access to her ever again. They are unworthy of touching a hair of her head or of yours. I know how hard it is to block phone numbers and keep them blocked, but I think it is the only way to keep her (and you) safe. Changing phone numbers is a good idea and losing their info will help you protect that little girl who deserves all the love and protection they were completely unable to give – and never will be.



🙏

She has complex PTSD with D.I.D. She longs like you do. In her case it's for her father to love her enough to take care of her. Mother is too dangerous psychologically. Dad's outwardly a nice guy, but he is in thrall to the mom so he never comes through for Natalie. But he strings her along. He seems to live in a land of wishful or magical thinking.

Surrounding you and Rich with prayers.

There's nothing wrong with having boundaries and protecting your well-being.

Nothing I will say is likely to help because I am not in your shoes, but we care here, and whatever you do to construct a permanent wall between yourself and your family would be fully understandable (and recommended).

Run in the opposite direction and never look back.

No one deserves the kind of abuse you endured. You don’t owe them anything, but you do owe yourself some solid boundaries. At the very least you should refuse to help them monetarily until they get government assistance. Certainly cutting them completely out of your life is reasonable given their past behavior. Do what is best for you. Remember you are loved and deserving of all good.

Please wash your hands of your abusive family. You owe them nothing and they deserve nothing from you. Rich and your son are your family now. Your mother and sister can learn to fend for themselves.

You suffered so horrifically from a family that betrayed you. Despite all the abuse you suffered you managed to maintain an inner goodness and that is something to be proud of.

I wish you all the best as you endure such difficult times. And I fervently hope somehow that abundant soothing solace can find you.

Take Care, Dear Deb.

You did not choose the family you were born into and they kicked you around like a piece of trash.

THEY NEVER DESERVED YOUR LOVING, BRIGHT PRESENCE. Stop waiting for them to show they love you. They are damaged people, and that will never happen.

Encircle the family you've made for yourself... and CLOSE the door on a past that can never be reborn into something nurturing.

You have HEAPS to give....don't waste it on lost causes and cruel and selfish people!

We are your family now. See your therapist ASAP/ Then see your attorney and go absolute NO CONTACT. You are under no obligation to people who abused you. The journey to healing starts with those steps. We love you. The community supports you. The people who never did don't deserve you.

I wouldn't even know what to say to support you if we were in the same room. On the internet I certainly have no idea.

But you are such a constant positive force here on DU. I hope that you feel that same positivity back from us, and that it is a source of comfort in your life.

Don't let them guilt trip you about that.

You and Rich need to conserve your resources for the battle ahead -- both your emotional resources and your financial resources.

I hope you can find the strength to cut your ties with a family who only causes you pain. You don't owe them anything at this point.

Concentrate on Rich and your child. They are the ones who love you.

The people you want to say they’re sorry and love you are incapable of ever doing so. You are a survivor with a heart of gold and they can’t even comprehend that, let alone reciprocate. Don’t let them take one more second of your life..it’s too precious to be wasted on them 🥰

and you are not responsible for the consequences of those choices.
Trauma like you experienced leaves scars and that is what you need to heal from - not take on more of their cruel behavior.
Just send them the phone numbers and addresses of the offices that will sign them up for whatever assistance they can get - but NOT you!
You make such fun posts, I am sad to hear what you have been through.
Please free yourself from this continued abuse. They will pour on the guilt but that is just manipulation and more abuse.
Take care of you!

are not your problem. Their lack of willingness to take what they are entitled to by law isn’t your problem. Family or not, it’s time to go no contact with these people. They will never give you a moment’s peace.

The Bible says a lot of things. People are more than willing to cherry pick what suits them. Don’t let them guilt trip you with Bible references.

I can't even imagine what you have been through. Somehow you have survived. Somehow you saved yourself. You keep our DU community together with your kindness and insight. In the top 4% of your class, you were a darn smart kid and now a darn smart woman. Please invest yourself wisely in the people and the pursuits that yield great dividends; dividends like love, fun, joy, creativity, peace, happiness, relaxation, personal agency, respect, and homemade pie. You deserve it all, dear debm55!

cut off all contact with the people who've abused you over a lifetime. Thay are never going to change.

...what everyone else said.

They said it better than I could.

valuable and appreciated.

These people are toxic. Stay away from them. You have no responsibility to them. You have a loving, caring spouse. Just be happy with each other. And as others said, if you can, get professional help.

We all love you here.

I agree with the previous responders.
CUT THESE PEOPLE out of your life like skin cancer or a wart.
"Loving" your family or your enemy, (in this case they count as both) means to Respect, Offer Care and Compassion. This is not a feeling. It is a choice of MUTUAL CARE, MUTUAL RESPECT and MUTUAL COMPASSION. They have none. They are abusive and have therefore CUT The Family Tie that Bonds them to you.
ABUSIVE PEOPLE will continue to be abusive until 1) You die or 2) they die. You are a beloved child of God. You deserve to be Loved, respected, cared FOR and Offered Compassion... qualities that clearly are beyond their capacity or willingness to offer. They are more than likely BORDERLINE PERSONALITIES with narcisistic tendencies.
CUT THEM OUT OF YOUR LIFE. Walk away and don't look back. They will be upset and claim to be victims. The Abuser always claims THEY are the victims when their abuse is the reason for their own isolation.

Yes talk with your Therapist. I HIGHLY recommend that. I had to work out my parents abuse over a decade in therapy. AND I went to Seminary for SIX (6) Years - partially to detangle the abuse of other church leaders who said I had to stay and continue to take the abuse because it was "God's Plan". I SAY NOW - F__K that S--t" God's plan is not cruel or abusive. Walk Away and pursue LOVE, RESPECT, CARE & COMPASSION. You cannot heal people who continue to abuse you.

As OPERAH once said "You can love people AND be grateful they are NO LONGER IN YOUR LIFE."

Peace and Blessings and Wholeness in this Advent Season,
Radical Lutheran

that warm motherly hug, I would whisper in your ear two things:
You are worthy of love and respect. Walk away from these horrible, horrible people.

We have no choice in the families we are born into, nor are we required to stay with them. Walk away and don't look back.

I wouldn't pay a time. They've put you through hell, and they don't deserve you. I'm so sorry that you had to endure such suffering.
It's unimaginable. But you don't need to continue those toxic relationships any longer. It's your choice what you do now.

Here is what I learned eventually: Nothing, NOTHING I ever did would please them. EVERYTHING I did would justify the way they chose to treat me. Every sacrifice I made would be framed as an inadequacy or an injury against them. So many, many hours, days, months, years were spent trying to explain myself, trying to give them the best of me until one day I realized 2 things: They were just f-cking crazy. They couldn’t listen to reason, couldn’t accept the truth about me because it would make them see their own inadequacies. I realized also, that unless I was willing to continue enduring their abuse, I had no other choice but to walk away from the relationships. I realized that the only reason I had been expecting them to understand or expecting the relationship to get better is because I had bought into their craziness and was embracing it as my own. I had accepted in some way that their abuse was my fault, that if only I had lived up to their expectations, I would have been treated better. I finally had to accept that lie was just another part of the abuse cycle, gaslighting, changing history, and turning my best efforts into something sinister and hateful. I learned to open my eyes fully and see the truth and I got the courage to walk away.

I had to grieve my family, long before they were gone. Each day I had to accept that the relationships I had worked so hard to create would never ever be. I had been trying to create something that was simply impossible to create with them It was a very bitter realization that I had wasted so many years of my life on something so utterly futile. I stayed away for everything except an occasional funeral and I didn’t engage with them when I did see them. Now they are all dead and I am the only sibling left. I have never once regretted my decision to finally walk away because I know, without any doubt whatsoever, that I did my very best to love them and make it work. But I finally had to accept who they were and accept that I didn’t deserve their abuse.

I don’t know if this helps you and I hope you don’t think I’m trying to tell you what you should feel or do. I just want you to know you are not alone and you have every right to demand to be appreciated and safe with those you love. You are no longer a child who didn’t have the choice or means to escape. As an adult, you have the ability to label the guilt and manipulation they offer for what it obviously is. As long as you stay in the relationship, you can only expect more abuse and more of their crazy making behavior. And the more you try to defend yourself from their abuse, the more weaponry you give them. You will not win with people this toxic. Fighting the battle only arms them more. I hope you know you are deserving of love and appreciation and you do not need to defend your behavior to people who are incapable of or simply refuse to see you for who you are.

Big hugs to you, sweet lady. You deserve better. Be strong and don’t buy their lies and guilt.

They are NOT your responsibility. You owe them NOTHING. You might even tell them that if they contact you again, you will file harassment charges.