I'm a chess player because I think pawns are really tasty with chocolate!

or is that prawns?

...because you get a whole bowl of mints AND a whole bowl of licorice.

play their game on chess boards.

boy checker players are stupid:

And everything I learned from chess made me better at Chinese checkers.

but checkers has no social hierarchy.

"Oh, king, eh? Very nice! And 'ow'd you get that, 'ey? By exploitin' the workers! By 'anging on to outdated imperialist dogma, which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society! If there's ever going to be any progress with the --"