And these people who write articles about how hair doesn't grow back darker and thicker after it's been shaved are absolute liars.

When I shave my beard, it has been growing back WHITER and thicker!

I know that's because you cheat and you put that facial hair bleach cream on your beard!

or the fact that I'm in my late hundreds!

I've dodged too many bullets from sasquatch hunters!

I've shaved your name into my chest hair. It kind of stung a little bit, so to limit the amount of shaving, I used my nipples to make two of the letters, so your name came out as...

TROE DOOGH

It makes me tongue-tied. I mean all that hair on your chest would make me tongue-tied.