The Borowitz report: Profile in Awfulness: Howard Lutnick

Link:
https://www.borowitzreport.com/p/profile-in-awfulness-howard-lutnick
Archived:
https://archive.ph/sqQC3
Amid the revelations in the latest avalanche of Epstein files lurked a particularly sleazy one about Donald Trumps Commerce Secretary, Howard Lutnick.
It turns out that Lutnick, who has sworn that he cut off his relationship with the pedophile in 2005, arranged to have lunch with him on his private island in 2012four years after Epstein was convicted of procuring a child for sex.
Since the files emerged, Lutnick has been strangely silentI say strangely because customarily he is incapable of shutting his piehole. Im waiting to hear what he planned to discuss with Epstein over lunchperhaps their shared interest in commerce?
Asked by the New York Times about his inclusion in the Epstein files, Lutnick said, I spent zero time with him before hanging up.
To be honest, Id never heard of Lutnick until he joined Trumps clown car. Learning about him has been like contracting an STD you didnt know existed.
... [snip] ...
Its become a cliché to call Elon Musk a Bond villain, but its an apter description of Lutnick, who, in Blofeldian fashion, has used his TV appearances to divulge an evil scheme oreven more inexplicablyto commit an actual crime in plain sight.
Though his on-air atrocities have been jaw-dropping to the uninitiated, they must come as no surprise to people familiar with him from his long tenure as CEO of the financial services behemoth Cantor Fitzgerald, where, according to Forbes, he became known as the most hated man on Wall Street.
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"Only the best people ..."
Yeah, right!