Tearful Trump Claims He Was Sex-Trafficked By Epstein

‘I Was One Of His Victims,’ Weeps President


Published: June 1, 2026

SATIRE

WASHINGTON—Growing visibly emotional as he recounted the trauma surfaced by the Justice Department’s release of files on the serial predator, a tearful President Donald Trump told reporters Wednesday he had been sex-trafficked by disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein.

Trump, who described himself as a “victim of really unbelievable stuff, some of the worst” at a press conference outside the U.S. Capitol, broke down several times as he claimed that Epstein had repeatedly lied to him and pressured him into sexual activity with others from their first meeting in 1987 until the convicted sex offender’s death in prison in 2019.

“Today I stand before you as a survivor of Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell’s horrendous abuses,” said the commander-in-chief, who paused to collect himself as he stressed that he was only a young, innocent 41-year-old when Epstein began grooming him in Palm Beach, FL. “He said he would get me a massage, and I didn’t know what that meant. Before I knew it, he was luring me to a private island with all these promises of real estate deals and then making me have sex with children for his sick pleasure. It was a nightmare I’m just now waking up from.”

“I am the first to come forward of the hundreds of businessmen sexually trafficked by Jeffrey Epstein, but I guarantee you I won’t be the last,” Trump added. Due to the emotional nature of his remarks, Trump was accompanied to the Capitol by longtime supporters such as Rep. Clay Higgins (R-LA), Attorney General Pam Bondi, and first lady Melania Trump, who provided the distraught president with tissues as he insisted he did not want attention or compensation but simply wished for the decades of birthday notes, flight logs, photographs, emails, and other evidence cataloging his extensive relationship with Epstein to disappear and never be spoken of again by anyone.

Read more: https://theonion.com/tearful-trump-claims-he-was-sex-trafficked-by-epstein/