WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the exoskeletons of marine mollusks “the deadliest weapons known to man,” on Tuesday Donald J. Trump signed an executive order banning seashells.

“Now the American people can sleep well at night, knowing that their president has protected them from death by seashell,” Trump told reporters during the Oval Office signing ceremony.

“Obama didn’t do anything about seashells, and neither did Biden,” he said. “I’m the only president who would do this.”

Trump used the ceremony to defend his increasingly unpopular war in the Middle East, declaring, “Iran must never be allowed to have seashells.”