Spurious News: Trump wins 152nd Kentucky Derby - on foot!

LOUISVILLE, KY (Spurious News Network) -- Derby Week in Louisville is filled with traditions, including pomp, pageantry, beautiful hats and mint juleps by the barrel. This year's Derby brought something new: a man running the Derby on foot.

On Thursday, King Donald Trump gave a speech to his supporters at Florida's The Villages retirement community in which he made several boasts including that he could be an astronaut. His final one was, "I'm going to win the Kentucky Derby, and I'm going straight to Lexington, Kentucky, right after I finish this speech to do it."

Lexington indeed has a famous horse racing track, Keeneland Race Course, but the Kentucky Derby isn't held at it. The Derby is held at Churchill Downs in Louisville. His minders took him there instead. Upon his arrival, he charged into the Chief State Steward of the Kentucky Horse Racing Commission's office at the fabled track and demanded to be allowed to ride a horse in the Kentucky Derby.

"There's no way we'd let that happen," said Barbara Borden, chief steward. "President Trump weighs at least twice as much as a jockey. The only horse he could ride without killing it is one of the Budweiser Clydesdales, which aren't raced. So I told him, if you want to compete in the Kentucky Derby you'll have to run it yourself. I still don't believe it, but he agreed to."

Harrison Lindor, a rein handler at the Derby, explained the harrowing scene when King Donald ran the Kentucky Derby.

"We loaded him into Stall 6. He looked a little nervous, like he knew he was going to have to outrun nineteen horses. Then the announcer called out, 'now entering Stall 7, Jean Carroll's Attorneys.' He didn't even wait for the front doors of the gate to open before he took off. He climbed over the door and headed out at a dead run. Nothing would have been able to catch him. By the time the rest of the field had been released to race, he was already completely around the backstretch turn. The nineteen horses that started the Derby were just fighting for second."

Trump was not awarded the winner's wreath of roses. "We never got the chance," said Mr. Lindor. He escaped through a tunnel leading onto the track and just kept on going. By the time we caught up with him, he was ordering dinner in a McDonald's in Indiana bragging about how he'd just won the Kentucky Derby to a crowd of people who just wanted to eat and go home. The manager kicked him out for demanding his seven Big Macs and half-gallon of Diet Coke be served to him in a feed bag."

Trump will not be recorded as the winner of the 152nd Kentucky Derby. "I disqualified him for violating the rules," said Chief Steward Borden. "The number one rule of thoroughbred racing is that you must ride a horse."