Spurious News: Trump fires HHS Secretary Kennedy, replaces him with someone even worse

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Early this morning, King Donald Trump fired Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr. after Secretary Kennedy threatened to withhold Medicare and Medicaid funds from any hospital that didn't stop serving gelatin desserts to its patients.

"We shouldn't be giving people who are sick Jell-O and Cheerios and rubber chicken and sugar drinks," said Secretary Kennedy in the statement that got him fired.

Debra Albert, DNP, MBA, RN, NEA-BC, CENP, Chief Nursing Officer and Senior Vice President for Patient Care Services at New York City's NYU Langone Health, explained that there were several good reasons for serving gelatin to patients. "Patients like eating it, it's mostly water so it helps rehydrate them in an agreeable manner, and the sugar in it helps give energy - something sick patients desperately need."

King Donald explained that he totally disagreed with the decision. "When I go to the hospital, I always love getting Jell-o with my meal." An aide quickly explained, "he means if he ever went to the hospital he'd love to get Jell-o with his meals. President Trump is a veritable beacon of natural health. He's so healthy he doesn't even know where any hospitals are."

In keeping with the theory that there's always someone worse, King Donald appointed Janick Boudazin as acting HHS Secretary. Dr. Boudazin, who holds a Doctorate of Pharmacy from the University of Nantes, France, has been CEO of Boiron USA, the largest manufacturer of homeopathic remedies, since 2012. Boiron is most famous for its sale of Oscillococcinum, a flu remedy prepared by making an extract from the heart and liver of a Muscovy duck, mixing one milliliter of this extract with 99 milliliters of water, violently shaking it, dumping the water out of the container, adding 99 milliliters of new water, and repeating until they've done it 200 times - then adding a drop of the final dilution to a sugar pill. It is estimated that the dilution renders each tablet as having one molecule of duck giblets per all the molecules of the planet Earth.

Long-term employees of HHS are aghast at King Donald's move. "Kennedy was bad enough," one of them said, "but a homeopath? Come on. There are Haitian vodou witch doctors a hell of a lot more qualified than Boudazin."