Spurious News: Trump approves throwing people to the lions as only legal federal execution method!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- Faced with the desire to increase the number of federal executions performed every year and the difficulty of procuring the necessary medications to perform lethal injections, which have been the standard federal execution method for decades, King Donald Trump ordered his underlings to find execution methods that don't require drugs.

After considering and rejecting such classic techniques as the electric chair, the gas chamber, hanging, the firing squad and the guillotine, the committee has settled on throwing people to the lions in the Smithsonian National Zoological Park as the only legal form of federal execution.

"It worked for the Ancient Romans," said Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, who first suggested the method. "At noon every day we will throw to the lions everyone condemned to death the day before. We'll sell tickets. It will be great."

At the same time, Trump signed an executive order expanding the number of crimes that can be punished in this manner. Among the new capital offenses are voting for a Democrat or claiming Trump is a pedophile, Secretary Hegseth is a drunkard and Tesla CEO Elon Musk is an illegal immigrant."