Spurious News: Trump accidentally signs legislation authorizing $3 bill bearing his likeness!

WASHINGTON (Spurious News Network) -- "Phonier than a three-dollar bill" is a household phrase in America that's about to die a cruel death.

"The president just signed legislation requiring the Bureau of Engraving and Printing to design and produce a Federal Reserve Note bearing the likeness of Donald J. Trump, in the denomination of three dollars," said Rep. Jason Crow (D-CO), "and declare it legal tender for all debts public and private."

One may ask themselves, how on earth did anyone convince Trump to sign legislation so obviously intended to ridicule him? "It was easy," said Rep. Crow. "We tucked it into another bill we knew he'd sign. It got unanimous consent; even the thirty Members who still like him thought it was really funny. The Republican Caucus believed he'd see it, veto the bill, and we'd just take out the language before returning it to him. The Democratic Caucus knows he doesn't read, and we're not sure he can. Trump signed it with the greatest of pleasure."

The Thayer Amendment, a law passed in 1866, prohibits "the portrait of any living person" from appearing on United States bonds, securities, notes or fractional currency. Fractional currency is paper money in denominations less than a dollar. Rep. Crow was able to make this new law work within the limits of the previous one. "The law only applies if the instrument bears a portrait of a living person. The Trump note will bear a photograph of his right ear immediately after the assassination attempt of July 13, 2024. That photo was the basis of this whole effort; when I was in combat with the 75th (Ranger Regiment, the unit Rep. Crow served in while he was in the Army) my men and I shot a lot of people in the head. None of them ever got up and ran for president."

The Bureau of Engraving and Printing loves the new bill. "Making an official three-dollar bill is the most fun I've had since I've been employed with the Bureau," said engraver Francine Marshall. "I had to make a slight change to it; I added 'this is not a joke' before the inscription 'this note is legal tender for all debts public and private.'"

Shortly after learning what was in the legislation he signed, and further learning the Supreme Court gave their assent to Rep. Crow's amendment before it was added to the larger bill, King Donald Trump signed an executive order directing Federal Prison Industries to manufacture ketchup. "Just another meaningless order," said William K. Marshall III, Director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons. "We have manufactured ketchup for many years, and all of it is eaten within the federal prison system. The point of his issuing this order was to ensure he'd have ketchup to throw at the wall when something doesn't go his way. We won't enable childlike behavior. Our ketchup is enjoyed only by federal inmates and that won't ever change."