Spurious News: Trump unveils plan for Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool!

PALM BEACH, FLA (Spurious News Network) -- King Donald Trump, doing business as the president of the United States, has announced that he is going to do something to the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to remove what he describes as "Biden filth."

The Reflecting Pool was built 20 years before President Biden was born and was rehabilitated in 2012, during the administration of President George H.W. Bush.

Today, King Donald announced the full scope of the project he is proposing.

"First, we are going to drain the swamp they laughingly call a 'Reflecting Pool,'" said King Donald. "I'm going to use the big beautiful excavator I paid for out of my own pocket to remove the concrete. We are then going to tear out those three ugly and meaningless things Biden and Obama built, and construct a monument to America's favorite president - me!"

The "three ugly and meaningless things" King Donald wishes to destroy are the Lincoln Memorial, the National World War II Monument and the Washington Monument.

The Trump Monument is breathtaking in scope. "It will be a 700-foot-tall statue of the world's favorite leader, Donald Trump, standing next to a 450-foot-tall statue of a calf," said King Donald. "Both my statue and the statue of the calf will be plated in real gold. People from around the world will come to the greatest nation on earth to worship it."

America's street-artist community already has plans to make the monument better. Said Sara Harrison, a graffiti artist from Queens, "Here's what we're gonna do. Five hundred of us are going to descend on DC. We've got a fiberglass ax, a fiberglass beard, a pair of fiberglass boots, a huge knit cap, and a lot of paint. All of us working together will convert it from a statue of America's most hated and most disgusting president to honor one of America's most beloved folk heroes, Paul Bunyan. We'll put a beard on it, paint the torso to look like a flannel shirt and the legs like they've got black work jeans and logging boots on, and paint the calf blue. It'll be awesome. Just you wait and see."

The Federal Aviation Administration has stated that they will not permit the Trump Monument's construction as its height and lack of warning beacons poses a hazard to air traffic. In response, King Donald fired the FAA's entire staff and closed the agency.

Pope Leo XIV points out that the calf presents significant spiritual problems. "Exodus 32 makes it clear that God will totally fuck your shit up if you start building golden idols and praying to them. But these idiot Republicans, when it comes to Trump nothing else matters."