WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Breaking with a longstanding Thanksgiving tradition, on Monday Donald J. Trump refused to pardon the White House turkey after it failed to offer him an appropriate bribe.

“That turkey could have invested in Eric and Don Jr.’s crypto scams or given me a gold-plated 747, but it chose not to,” he said. “That turkey is a terrible person.”

Trump emphasized “the many great things I have done for turkeys,” including “making the price of them go up forty percent.”