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I Am But A Humble Escalator, And No, I Was Not Trying To Assassinate Donald Trump
https://www.wonkette.com/p/i-am-but-a-humble-escalator-and-noGary Legum
Jesus, what is it with you people?
And now for a bit of well-played humor on this Saturday.
As an escalator, I’m used to anonymity. Seriously, who cares about me? I’m simply an assemblage of conveyor belts attached to a spindle and driven by a motor at a steady speed that has been determined safe for humans to step on and off without falling and hurting themselves. I am a handrail belt moving at a speed synchronized with the speed of the steps. I am a tool, a conveyance, and I move steadily around and around and around like a perpetual motion machine.
. . .
Now I will grant you that as an escalator at the United Nations building, I have carried some pretty important people! I have carried ambassadors, emissaries, ministers, military leaders, heads of state. I have been privy to the negotiations and interpersonal relationships of hundreds, maybe even thousands, of world leaders. I have been ridden by more famous people than the busiest sexworker in a Hollywood whorehouse.
So, imagine my surprise this past week when I briefly became the most famous escalator in the world, the one that stopped cold the moment that Donald and Melania Trump stepped on me. Suddenly I went from anonymity to being surrounded by more conspiracy theories than the Kennedy assassination.
. . .
. . .
Now I will grant you that as an escalator at the United Nations building, I have carried some pretty important people! I have carried ambassadors, emissaries, ministers, military leaders, heads of state. I have been privy to the negotiations and interpersonal relationships of hundreds, maybe even thousands, of world leaders. I have been ridden by more famous people than the busiest sexworker in a Hollywood whorehouse.
So, imagine my surprise this past week when I briefly became the most famous escalator in the world, the one that stopped cold the moment that Donald and Melania Trump stepped on me. Suddenly I went from anonymity to being surrounded by more conspiracy theories than the Kennedy assassination.
. . .
2 replies
= new reply since forum marked as read
= new reply since forum marked as read
You want to know the truth of what happened? So, I have a safety mechanism. Really, I have a few. They are designed to bring me to a complete stop if their sensors detect some sort of obstruction. Or if they sense that I have been loaded down with more weight than I am rated to hold at one time. No, that is not a comment on Trump’s weight. I’ve carried heavier than him.
Anyway, my safety mechanisms. If you have an untied shoelace, and that shoelace gets caught under the comb safety plate at the top of me while you’re getting off, I immediately shut down. That way, your foot doesn’t get dragged under the comb plate, along with the rest of you, to suffer a grisly death like you’re in one of those Final Destination movies.
This isn’t my choice, it’s automatic. You think there aren’t people I’d like to drag to a grisly death? But I can’t, because my job is to not be noticed. And nothing would get me noticed faster than taking Donald Trump’s leg off at the knee, assuming his barrel-sized ankles could fit under my comb plate.
Anyway, my safety mechanisms. If you have an untied shoelace, and that shoelace gets caught under the comb safety plate at the top of me while you’re getting off, I immediately shut down. That way, your foot doesn’t get dragged under the comb plate, along with the rest of you, to suffer a grisly death like you’re in one of those Final Destination movies.
This isn’t my choice, it’s automatic. You think there aren’t people I’d like to drag to a grisly death? But I can’t, because my job is to not be noticed. And nothing would get me noticed faster than taking Donald Trump’s leg off at the knee, assuming his barrel-sized ankles could fit under my comb plate.
I'm dying.
So, imagine my surprise this past week when I briefly became the most famous escalator in the world, the one that stopped cold the moment that Donald and Melania Trump stepped on me. Suddenly I went from anonymity to being surrounded by more conspiracy theories than the Kennedy assassination.
TY, erronis!
