Rapture Postponed Due to Lack of True Christians

Heaven (September 22, 2025) -- God announced today that the Rapture, previously scheduled for September 23, 2025 has been postponed due to a shortage of believers who embody Christian values. While 2.6 billion Christians are eligible for an early exit from Planet Earth, the majority of seemingly rapture-ready believers failed to meet the basic requirements for lift-off according to God.

"There has been a real lack of Christ-like behavior demonstrated by card-carrying members of the faith," said God. "Disregard for the environment and contempt for immigrants, the LGBTQ community and the less fortunate have forced me to postpone the Rapture," she added.

Many Christians worldwide believe that the rapture is coming on September 23 and/or September 24 2025, depending on your time zone. However many have fallen prey to false prophets who have led them away from God's teachings and her favorite saying, "Love your neighbor as yourself."

While some of the chosen are disappointed that their plans to leave the earth have been postponed, others see it as an opportunity to wrap up loose ends.

"We were ready to go, but now plan to use this extra time to increase our debt and place our pets in foster care," said California resident Clint McKiltree. A sour note in many Christian rapture plans has been the belief that pets are not eligible for rapture. Many others had not had time to take full advantage of unnecessary bill payment.

A new date for the Rapture was not announced. "It all depends on how quickly Christians wake up," said God.
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[My original 2011 satirical press release, updated for 2025. -Dooner]