BREAKING NEWS: WHCA to bestow special award on entire membership for its role in breaking the news that Biden was old

In a stunning decision, the White House Correspondents Association—the leading organization of journalists and members of the press charged with covering the executive branch—announced today that all 900+ of its members would be jointly awarded its prestigious Excellence in Presidential News Coverage honors.

As justification for this unprecedented decision, WHCA President Eugene Daniels cited the press’s “unparalleled bravery in the face of overwhelming adversity” relating to its “shocking” June 2024 revelation that then-President Joe Biden was, in fact, 81 years old.

“The vast majority of American voters who went to the polls in 2020 had no idea whatsoever that Joe Biden was in reality a 78-year-old man,” Daniels explained. “Nor was the general public ever completely aware of President Biden’s age throughout the majority of his administration. Most people fully assumed Joe Biden was a strapping young 25-year-old man at the peak of his physical stamina and virility.”

That false perception radically changed after events unfolded in Summer 2024, to which Daniels fully credits the media.

“After a subpar debate performance by President Biden, our journalists immediately sprung to work to uncover the shocking truth that the sitting Commander-in-Chief was in fact a wizened senior citizen whose gait and speech patterns were fairly appropriate for a person of his age,” Daniels said. “They were then able to disseminate this previously obscured fact to the public with a single-minded level of obsession paralleled only perhaps by Swifties debating as to which of Taylor’s Eras reigns supreme.”

Daniels believes members of the Biden administration had engaged in a “cover-up” regarding the President’s true age “on a level not seen since the days of Watergate.”

“The implications of obscuring Joe Biden’s age ran deep and put the American people in needless jeopardy,” Daniels explained. “For what would happen if President Biden were to walk by a tree with a cat trapped in its branches, and yet he would be unable to so adeptly climb up its trunk and free it from its arboreal captor? What would happen if Air Force One were to suffer an unexpected mechanical breakdown, requiring the President to instead jog across the nation from appearance to appearance? Only then would the public suddenly realize that its President was lacking the age-related fitness required for his most essential duties in office.”

Daniels bristled against accusations of false equivalence, soundly rejecting the argument that members of the media may have felt pressured to play up concerns about Biden’s age as a means to avoid claims of left-wing bias when it came to raising similar questions about now-President Donald Trump’s mental acuity and qualifications to hold office.

“Yes, Donald Trump is in fact a convicted felon who--while in office--was impeached an unprecedented two times,” Daniels said. “He also has been found civilly liable for fraud, defamation and sexual assault, as well as being criminally charged for schemes ranging from refusing to return highly classified materials to attempting to subvert the electoral process and encouraging a violent insurrection against the US Capitol. And we all heard him repeat blatant falsehoods about Haitian immigrants supposedly eating people’s pets in Ohio, as well as his bizarre musings about the size of golfing legend Arnold Palmer’s manhood. But the bottom line about Donald Trump is that we already knew all of those things and have fully accepted them as being part of the greater mosaic of his total being. Whereas virtually nobody knew that Joe Biden was both a grandfather and a card-carrying member of the AARP.”

“Also, someone who is 78 is younger than someone who is 81,” Daniels added. “I mean, come on. That’s just basic arithmetic.”

Daniels credits his fellow journalists for uncovering “perhaps the single greatest act of White House obfuscation we have seen in at least the past century, if not longer.”

“Did you hear all that, Donald?” Daniels quickly remarked, seemingly to no one. “Please don’t hurt us, okay?”

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