OTTAWA (The Borowitz Report)—In an emotional victory speech late Monday night, Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney thanked Donald J. Trump for his stunning election win.

“I don’t deserve credit for this victory,” Carney, choking back tears, told his supporters. “Donald, I couldn’t have done it without you.”

Carney received congratulatory calls from dozens of other world leaders whose political careers have been boosted by Trump, including Mexico’s Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo and Ukraine’s Volodymyr Zelenskyy.

“It’s like I told you, man,” Zelenskyy reportedly told the Canadian. “Trump is magic.”